david’s journal / blog
Hmmm, wow. I should really spend some time updating this. In the past two years I've posted a lot of blogs on myspace. Some of them are amusing, some are pissy rants.
“happy holidays!” “you bastard! it's not
happy holidays it's merry christmas!#$@”
*person beats
greeter over the head with a religious icon* ...he was probably a
christian.
*greeter wakes up in stunned daze trying to figure out
what the heck just happened* crazy christian...
“Did you find a new guy?” is apparently the rudest question one can ask of a roommate. Doesn't bother him for any of the questions that HE asks all the time about someone I am talking to. I dunno. Lately since he got his car, I seem to be just a nuisance. Just the roommate you occasionally pass by now and then when you choose to be at home.
When was the last time I was invited to do something? ...
What a great way to start the day.
| You are a Social Liberal (80% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (18% permissive) You are best described as a:
Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test |
Today sucked big time. Started off by getting multiple calls during the night, the first went by quickly, we were released as soon as we arrived on scene. The second however was aggravatingly long. We arrived and staged waiting for the PD to secure the scene. We waited .. 20 minutes. Then we get up there and we're told there's no medical. So we just spent about an hour between 2am and 3am awake for nothing. Next, my bunkmate sets the alarm for 5am, and repeatedly hits snooze until just before 6am when he turns it off. !@#$!$%. I'm a light sleeper so I just don't fall asleep in the ~8 minutes between snooze alerts.
Then to top that off, I wake up in a panic at a quarter after 6 because the alarm clock had been turned off and I didn't get a 6am phone call. Shite! Shite! Shite! I rush to fold my linen, grab my gear and peel out heading for the house. Just as I'm pulling in, I get my wake up call *agggh*
To beat -that-, I run up the stairs and the shower just got occupied. I'm already desperately late and sort of panicky. I managed to get into the shower by 6.28am, mind you, I should be leaving for work right about now. I shave and soap very quickly, forget to rinse my face so it's oily (yuck) for the rest of the day. I rush out of the shower, brush my teeth for like 20 seconds, jam on my clothes and grab my stuff. Luckily my backpack is already done.
I speed off to work, sliding around corners (yes, literally), and I'm doing like 60 down residential streets ^_- I am frustrated by red lights nearly to the point of running them. I manage to make it onto the highway and up my speed to about 85-90. This is where I get totally lucky and managed to blow through two critical lights that magically are green. I make it to the town I'm supposed to service today and I hit a slow person. I'm figuratively biting my nails to bloody finger stumps as I have three minutes to clock in and four minutes to drive. And yeah, you get fired for being 1 minute late.
I manage to get past this driver (it's a woman ... go figure) and floor it again thru town. I'm hitting the engine so hard the rockers are starving for oil so I back it down a bit. Again I get lucky through three more green lights (at about 65mph in a 35mph zone). I rip into the parking lot with seconds to go, punch in the access code to the base door and make a 7g turn heading for the time clock. I snap my employee ID into the keypad and shove my hand into the biometric reader. The clock on it was golden when I put my hand in, 5 seconds later when I am done and pull my hand out, it's firing time.
PHEW! rock my a$$ sideways with a 10 inch tongue, I squeezed by that by the cell wall of an emaciated sperm.
Does anybody read this? The last two weeks have been very revealing for me. I've learned a lot about the people around me and these are the last two months of my life as it is now. A lot of things are going to be changing. I'm sure a lot of people are going to get bitchy and pissy but hey, if you don't spend more than half a breath of effort in at least saying hi to me, don't call yourself my friend. Don't keep coming to me asking for computer help then ignoring me afterwards. I'm not your tech bitch, I'm not your on-call support whore.
I'm not a saint, I f*ck up. I don't fall in and out of love like the turning of a light switch. Forgive me for crying over you years after we broke up. I am a friend. I offer my shoulder and my heart time and time again. If you spent more time looking at my face instead of my crotch, maybe you'd learn that.
These last couple of weeks have really brought out the color, or lack thereof, in people I thought were friends. Well, 2006 is a new year and I think just about everything is going to get changed. It's time to scrape off the slough.
nifty new breakthrough for medicinal stuff.
my thoughts on gay marriage have been updated.
meh. so anyway. last night pretty much sucked. i got home, had stuff to do but had to get up at 5am for work. roomie calls after i'm falling asleep, needs a ride home from work. double meh. he doesn't answer the phone after hours so he doesn't know i'm coming to pick him up. i spend half an hour looking for him, can't find him, finally come home. wake up this morning, he left a voicemail on my phone after i got home, he saw me go by out on the road. unfortunately in my sleep depraved state and with old prescrip glasses instead of my contacts in, i didn't see him anywhere. anyways. i get back to sleep for a bit, get woken up when he gets home (i'm a very light sleeper :() then get up a little while later to go to work.
so again .. meh. i'm as tired as a two penis'd bunny in a litter of 40.
erg! a typical day at the office with Windows ™. 
Life 
erg! 
Let's start off with a bit of humor
Next, last night was a little difficult.
6851 Meriden Fire Department firefighters launch a
seach boat into Beaver Lake Saturday night in search of a
10-year-old boy that went missing Saturday evening, Sept. 17,
2005.
It ended sadly.
I'm sitting in the back of an ambulance taking a patient to a post-op health care center. My patient is resting comfortably and it's a long ride. I'm sitting here bored a bit, not in the mood to write code so I thought I'd add a blurb to my journal. So hey there folks, hope you're having a great day :)
It sure would be nice tho if my access were broadband instead of "dialup" speed.
I came across this today... amusing.
It's pretty sickening to see the state of things to come for America. But if you stand back for a moment, you'll realize that it's sickening to see exactly how things are TODAY.
I had a fight with one of my friends. It's a Linux v.s. Microsoft thing. He despises me and people like me that refer to Microsoft as "microsh*t" or similar. Personally I have ethics and morals which include business ethics and morals. Many people use M$ and will continue to do so. Some are entirely naive about M$ does things, some people intentionally stick their head in the sand so they won't see it or they choose to ignore what they have seen.
On the other side of the fence there are people like me that feel strongly about freedoms, ethics and morals. There are people that are very aware of many issues of both proper and improper conduct, even of both camps.
I often hear "..if Linux can do that.
Different people are going to use different things. But let's acknowledge the reason why we do and what we choose to see or not see for whatever reason.
But back to my dilemna. To what end will come this eruption? I've no idea. But I will say that for a while now conversation has been strained. Replies are simple, distant, or non-existant, and interludes are long. Unfortunately this pattern is strikingly similar to that of another party we both know that my ex-friend used to be anguished over.
Be all is it is however, it's a place in my life where there is now emptiness. I revisit these thoughts repeatedly pondering different aspects. Is it something to lose a friend over? Nope. Are their underlying issues? I strongly suspect so. Life will go on, whether our friendship resumes is unknown. Each page in this chapter is turned but one day at a time.
Hi :) I've added several quotes to my quotes page.
Some people have HUGE balls and that's the kind of guy I like. Someone that isn't afraid to be -himself-, (maybe not exactly have an orgasm in the middle of a crowded area, but i wouldn't complain about this guy.).
This is an entirely sleepless night. Just when I did fall asleep, my roommate climbs into bed waking me up fully and proceeds to lick his chops and rub himself every few minutes, flips around, twitches, etc, etc. All rather violently, thus keeping me awake until I finally can't tolerate it any longer and decide to leave the bedroom.
I was already highly angry based on other issues. I tend to get that way when I'm accused of deceit to which I am innocent of. I needed my sleep and I've gotten none now. I'm wide awake and it's impossible to get back to sleep.
It's now 7.34am, another sleepless night. Yay me, I'm off to another day in the world of f*ck f*ck. That's my new catchphrase. It's a f*ck f*ck all day and I'm just all f*ck f*ck dandy f*ck f*ck. Ain't that special now?
“Imagine that a thief steals your neighbor's car. The police catch the thief and he agrees to return the car, but only if he is paid compensation for his "loss". Imagine that the police agree. And imagine that the police demand that YOU foot the bill to pay the thief to return the stolen car to your neighbor.”
“Because that is EXACTLY what is happening in Gaza. Israeli settlers grabbed land which did not belong to them. They stole it. Even the government of Israel admits that. Now, as part of the disengagement, the settlers have to give the land back to the Palestinians (although the homes they built will be destroyed to prevent the Palestinians from gaining any benefit from them). The US Government has agreed to compensate the land thieves for their "loss", and is spending YOUR money to do it, at a time when our schools are underfunded, our roads crumble, our economy in decline.”
Ever read the story Red Storm Rising, by Tom Clancy? You should also spend a minute or two and read this version.
The war in Iraq will cost -every- American citizen regardless of age, $2,400 dollars or more. So if you're married with two children, that will cost you just shy of $10,000. If your parents are retired, then you are foisted their share, so you're up to nearly $20,000. Out of your pocket.
- How many marines does it take to sodomize a young iraqi boy?
- 500. 5 to f*ck him and 495 to cover it up at the pentagon.(And the rest of the politicians to blame it on any homosexuals in the service)
“Basically what happened is that those women who were arrested with young boys/children in cases that have been recorded. The boys were sodomized with the cameras rolling. The worst about all of them, is the soundtrack of the boys shrieking, that your government has. They are in total terror it's going to come out.”
Did I say anything about the Harry Potter stupidity yet? "Unlawful reading" is the new catchphrase. If you read the new book before midnight on it's release date, then you broke the law and can go to jail. Isn't that special?
As far as I go, I will never buy that book nor anything else that Raincoast produces.
Iran executes gay teenagers read the headline. We still live in an age where religious fascists feel they have the right to put to death people that God Himself created. I am sure there are "christians" a-plenty dancing in the streets for acts such as these. Am I being sarcastic? Only mildly so.
Visit whatreallyhappened.com to read a LOT about the current Bush administration and just how "christian" it is.
Wow, two months went by. Shame on me. Today I got a credit card application. Yeah.. another one. Seems like they land on me like flies to the poo. Anyways instead of immediately throwing this away like I usually do, I was curious and read it. I wanted to see what scams and gimmicks they are up to these days. Let's take a peek at the fine print.
- First I am offered a credit limit of $300.00
- Second, I must pay the first month's initial minimum monthly fee of $20.00 before I can use it.
- Next, I have an account opening fee of $29.00
- That notwithstanding, there is an immediate annual fee of $150.00
- And wait, there's more. There is a monthly maintenance fee of $6.50.
- The APR for this starts at 19.50%, but don't worry, if you're late or for one of many other reasons, it jumps up to 31%
Woah. So sign on the dotted line and you immediately owe $185.50. If you were stupid enough to put your weenie into a meat grinder, you don't have anybody to yell at. On the other hand this really gives a new definition to highway robbery. The company name used on this offer was Aspire.
Bother! I came home this morning and the cable modem has been on the fritz since about 11.30pm last night. I imagine that annoyed Ben. I'm going to have to show him how to reset the cable modem. Anyways, I got off early and I'm still full of energy.
Sadness seems to be making the rounds. Tim is hurt, Chris and Adam are hurting again. Lori sent me a really really sad song this evening.
if you only knew
how much you were loved
would you say
those things you do?
if you only knew
the thoughts in my mind
would you have treated me this way
or would you have been more kind?
is this the person
you always were
is this the way
you've always been?
would i have loved you so much
wanted to hold you so close
to be that touch?
if i only knew
A few tidbits for the day. Some horrifying, some wonderful. First the bad news. 3/5 of our wonderful Christian nation (remember how everone wants to go back to the more God fearing morally correct days?) once practiced sterilization. This is a human atrocity of extreme proportions. This, this, is our morally correct Christian government at work, euthanizing undesirables. Are these the Family Values we're striving for?
On another sad note, my truck is dying. God bless it's soul, it's hemorrhaging inside - leaking water into the oil. I'm going attempt to do open heart surgery on it in a few weeks if it lasts that long. I.e. swap the engine on it.
Now for the good news. A few items of interest. Yesterday I learned that a friend of mine, Nick, used to live near me a few years ago. Here's the facts. I lived in unit #26 with my then ex boyfriend trying to repair things. He lived in unit #27 with his then girlfriend and he was trying to come to grips with his sexuality. Both of us thought about each other secretly. And holy cow he was cute. I used to secretly wish he was gay and he used to think about me but -- I was sort of with somebody and he was too withdrawn to say something.
Guess what. I've been talking to him on the internet for a couple years as a good friend and shoulder to lean on and yesterday we both realized we already knew each other in real life.
Absolutely astounding. And now I'm going over to his place shortly for dinner. I suppose in a fairy tale world, this is supposed to turn into a joyous romance and live happily ever after, but once again, we're both somewhat otherwise occupied. Life always has it's surprises though, we'll have to check back on this again soon.
In another development, I'm finding a strong desire for a certain paramedic and he likewise! Woo! Tune in again for the results on yet another wonderful development! It's absolutely awesome having a boyfriend of a similar heart. He understands why I get up in the middle of the night to save some drug addict's life and I understand him. Two birds of the same feather.
The front office remodeling at the fire station is coming along very well. It's looking pretty spiffy if I do say so myself. My guys are doing an awesome job.
And now, I have to write up a report for a contract job I did last week. Speaking of jobs, I'm applying to Hunter's Ambulance Service. Hope I get it, the work there would be a thousand times more presonally rewarding than working at Target. I'll just have to start doing more direct exercising since I won't be lifting and moving nearly 1 and a half tons of product every night. (yes that means I work up a sweat for 8 hours straight minus my breaks)
Oh, I almost forgot. My buddy MJH is hooking me up with some security work to supplement my wallet. Most awesome of him.
So I've got to put this journal aside and get to my report writing so I'll be free to grab Ben at lunchtime for nibblins. See ya.
I am mortified. I just realized that all last night the pants
that I wore combined with the boxerbriefs that I wore portrayed my
package very very well 
UGG! This is not a good thing. I don't want those work relations to see my package. NONE of them are in the slightest attractive or appealing to me (except one and he wasn't there last night and he's just sorta).
Yay! I got off early this morning. I was browsing gaygeeks.org to catch up on my morning email and I came across this link. It's a nice accessory for your computer operator.
Yesterday I spent much of it trying to catch up on sleep. However as it was, I didn't get to sleep until the early afternoon due to numerous dispatches -right- when I was trying to fall asleep again. Luckily no more happened and I was able to get about eight hours of sleep. And thankfully I woke up at 9.30pm without the alarm clock going off (I'd forgotten to ask Ben to set it). So -- hop outta bed and get ready for work. Whee, work sucks.
Now then it's Sunday. My usual day to clean house and get
things accomplished. So without further delay, I'm off to see the
wizard. I.e. the kitchen wizard. Hopefully I'll get a call from
a certain young man shortly 
Oh yes, Lori sent me an inspirational letter yesterday. It's a very good read. When you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance. I really do. I hope I will always love you and every now and then I think of you and remember what you were and what you could have been. Jeremy.
Guess what I found :)
Today a buddy posted a very .. disturbing link. I am NOT responsible for your reaction. And no, it is NOT safe for work.
Hello again. Last night sucked like usual .. well, I was at work of course *laugh* I am changing jobs, I can barely tolerate that particular job now. It is stagnant, it smells of water that hasn't swirled in many days.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Often I find that I am the odd man out because I stand up for my morals, my ethics, my beliefs - I don't easily give in. I may be quiet and soft-spoken most of the time, but it seems that I am the one that ends up being hurt because I remained true and honest through thick and thin.
I have to wonder, I am missing out on so much apparent fun I'm told. I'm always the guy that people come to when they are having problems with their boyfriend, I'm the one they come to when they need a problem solved of some sort, I'm the one with the skills to build something needed.
Why then is it that I feel so alone when I choose not to partake in the usual activities that tend to hurt people and cause damage otherwise?
Just my musing this morning. I sometimes wonder that when the end of life comes, what will I have gained by virtues and what will I have lost in opportunities? Where is the balance and of all this, what really matters?
What happens when I really need someone? I've always stood here solving my own problems. Nobody else comes over and fixes things for me, nobody else comes over builds things for me. Or, where is that honest loving shoulder that doesn't have a hidden agenda, that doesn't turn on you when the chips are down?
Sometimes you just get plain tired of everything that is casual. You get tired of the status quo. You get tired of the clutch being f*cked again. The other day an older gentleman that I respect a lot told me something that bears a lot of weight. If you think you'll be missed when you're gone, do this: make a fist and stick your hand into the lake, pull it out quickly. As much time as it takes for the water to fill in, is as long as you'll be missed.
As time goes by you learn more and more about your past mistakes, you realize, sometimes sadly that you spent too much time on the wrong people. They weren't worth the investment.
Sometimes you just want to go back to the more simple days where guys were real guys and they kept their word. They didn't break their promises in the blink of an eye and they didn't stab you in the back.
I'm tired, I'm upset. I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of being desired for my body, just being an object. Guys don't want to put any effort into a relationship, they just want to sleep with me. I'm tired of friends only talking to me when they want help.
So in general, a big f*ck you to a lot of people.
If you want to be my friend, BE a friend. If you want to sleep with me, there's a lot more involved to getting into my pants.
Sometimes you wish people would take initiative. Sometimes you wish people made more of an effort. Sometimes it seems like there are more reasons not to converse than there should be. Sometimes you feel like people talk to you just for you to solve a problem for them, then they go on their way. Sometimes you wonder if you're just butting into their life and they're just not telling you.
Often there are doubts that we have about people and intentions but two things are very certain; we aren't forthcoming and fully honest, nor do we communicate good. It doesn't matter which side of the fence we sit on. One or both sides often just doesn't want to talk. They are tolerant of the status quo.
And I have to admit, we all generate and amplify fears. But it is indeed worth carefully noting that when week after week you're still trying to talk that something is amiss.
Was it just my body that drew the interest? Was it just the charm? Why wasn't there the bond, what was missing?
In other words, I've made up with my ex. I've been spending time with him. Apparently he's more forgiving than his hypocritical bf is. Word to the wise, honesty isn't always the best policy. When someone asks you a hard question about someone else and you know they won't like the answer -- lie. ..Or lose your friend. And no, I don't want to hear that bullsh*t that maybe he wasn't good enough to be my friend after all.
I thought I had bridged the divide between myself and my other ex but no, the deafening silence of being ignored has returned. That's the oxymoron for the day. I have to wonder why I put so much effort into people. Oh I get a multitude of friends, but when the chips are down, love is forgotten. Promises of great depth seem as thin as the cold winter air.
Never make a promise to me if your promises fade at the whim of the winds. My promises don't come with an eraser included, if yours do, be so kind to keep them if they are so worthless in the first place..
Life is so simple and we make it so tragically formidable. Why is it so hard, so uncommon to actually be friendly?
Often times I have been involved in a conversation where someone has asked me, or I have asked, "wouldn't you rather have been born in the future?" Many times the answer is a resounding yes. People feel their lives would be better in the future because things like homosexuality would be understood and not just tolerated, but accepted as normal by everyday straight people and straight people wouldn't be afraid of "catching gayness."
But I sat here today as I was reading some medical and scientific journal news and I realized that yes, technology would be so much better, space travel would be possible, we might even be capable of faster-than-light speeds and all diseases, infectious agents, and ailments would be fixable.
However, I would have missed out on my life as I have lived it thusfar. I would have never had the opportunity to spend time and care about the people in my life today. I would never have loved and been loved by these men in my life. True, in the future I would have fallen in love with another wonderful man and I would have accomplished great personal goals.
But I will never give up or trade the people in my life today. I appreciate the love and cares given me by others, I appreciate the time spent in my direction. I would never in my life trade those moments with Jeremy, nor would I wash away the memories of Matt. I wouldn't take away the friendship I have with Ben or Brian or any other person in my life.
Gays won't be hated and persecuted in the future like they are today. Guys won't be afraid to be in love with another guy. Everyone will understand that God made us and God doesn't make mistakes and homosexuality is purely natural and normal.
Technology will improve, we will have quantum mechanic instruments that are as commonplace as the digital watch or the ubiquitous cellular phone is today. Mankind will travel to far away reach of the heavens and step foot on planets millions of miles away.
But I will never trade these people I have today. In all the tears, and all the heartache, even still, these are the people that have shaped my heart and life and been a part of molding me into who I am right now. From the little smiles of Matt when he made a delicious dinner for us, or when Jeremy would call me when to say he loved me. From the shoulder rubs from Ben, and the hugs from Tim. Every moment of these carefully scribed in my memories.
Even the tears, I value so much. It is only through adversity that we learn what we are truly capable of. Even the loss of one's fiance and child, these are moments that shape our lives. No man is an island but a work of art, touched by a thousand hearts and hands.
I would never trade these people of my life. Never.
I am depressed and upset. A few hours ago I voluntarily chose to void my friendship with Tim. It is sad and both of us are pretty upset about it. I am doing this because I care very much for him and my friendship with him was causing severe friction between Tim and another person. I love that person and I love Tim.
After a few tears, I said goodbye. I’ll miss him. If I get back my friendship with Tim, it’s the choice of this other person. I am not going to be the cause of strife here, I am not going to have my words twisted, feelings of love for both of them from deep in my heart twisted into an attack. I said some very heartfelt words of love and you turned them and threw them in my face. I am not going to be the source of your jealousy. If I am not in Tim’s life then I can’t be accused of flaunting our friendship.
I can be friendly and funny with anyone else but if I do this with Tim, I’m a bad guy.
You are wrong, so very wrong. You kicked me out of your life and I voluntarily choose to leave Tim’s life - because I care about you so much that I only want you to be happy and I want your friendship with Tim to continue.
Whether you’ll read this or not I don't know. But it really hurts that you have sunk so far that you feel the way you do about me. I find it really frustrating that nearly a year after dumping me, you’re still finding ways to feel hurt by me, even at the expense of your best friend Tim.
I can’t say anything without it being turned around. I can’t do anything without it somehow being interpreted in some misguided way. I am so frustrated, so hurt, and so tired of the tears. Let me remember you as you once were, loving and kind with lots of laughter and that accent I loved so much.
Please, just STOP. I loved you, now please, please leave me alone.
I made a resolution last night about cleaning house. It's gonna be clean .. always. Kinda tired of tiny little messes here and there. No, my house isn't really a trash heap, it's pretty clean actually. Just not exceptionally tidy. I just want it to be acceptably presentable all the time.
I banged my knee or something last night, it aches and hurts a little when I use it. Sigh, I'm always going at full tilt so much that I don't pay attention. When I get home I have half a dozen new paper cuts, scrapes, bumps, and bangs that I rarely notice when I'm working. My section was a mess again when I got to work. I'll just be polite and say that some people really don't have much for organizational skills.
I was listening to a particular MP3 on my player over and over and the words rang so true. I'm dedicating this song to you Jeremy, ♫ I hope you Dance.
I apologize for my words Tuesday, but it hurts hearing some of the things you say or how you react to something I say. You're long gone, we took our own very separate paths and it doesn't matter how much I pretend that I don't care, when I hear about something like recently, it can still hurt. I imagine ten years from now you'll still have that effect on me. Please be more careful about the hearts you toy with.
Ok, today is a vent day. Things that I don't like might just include; stinky bed sheets because you don't shower before going to bed. Guys that get irritated at me because I don't answer them during the week after I told them .. I wasn't available during the week. Rust stains yet again on the kitchen sink. Trashy living area. Rotten food on the counter. Dishes not being done in a timely manner. Drivers that go through dead light intersections at 40mph in all four directions - I hope the f*ck they have head on accidents and total their vehicles... Liars, cheaters, disloyal people. People that smoke inside the firehouse. Insecurity. People that play head games, people that accuse me of playing games because they aren't getting what they want. People that insist that Linux should have GNU prefixed to it everywhere. "washed" dishes that still have food slime and particles on them. Milk left in glasses and cups for days. Dishes left in the sink for days.
Enough. That list could go on for a long time right now, I'm irritated. Anyways, I managed to get a little bit of cleaning done before I had to be quiet again, so the house is still a pigsty but wee bit less so.
I'm also bothered that someone has the idea to get pissy about my /away messages when they have nothing to do with him. Yes that means you Jeremy. I hear about the stuff that gets said behind my back, I have for a long time. I hear about the completely unfounded worries and fears. You created these unfounded fears about me. You don't have the courage to deal with someone in real life. I thought you were amazing. I don't think much anymore.
I'm going to put a gallery of my pictures online, finally decided I really was going to do it. But just because you ask doesn't mean you get to view everything. There are a lot of pictures that are special memories just for certain people and there are pictures of me that I just don't feel like sharing with the general public and only some people get access to them. Don't expect to see my dick in there.
Well, a lot of little things have happened. I've made a lot of new friends for the new year, some of them appear to be very promising - they're decent folk. Some are computer minded, some not. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to take pictures of our xmas tree :( but it sure was pretty. It's been taken down now. My overnight hours are beginning to relax thankfully, I'm coming home early now and then and I really enjoy that. Yeah it means a smaller check but hey, I need sleep :)
I was re-elected to 1st Lieutenant's position again for this year by a large margin, thank you guys! My roommate decided to drop out of the fire dept and quit FF1 class. We are putting out applications for new members shortly. It snowed "a lot" (please note the sarcasm here. A couple inches seems to be an exhorbitant amount.) My clutch went dry again yesterday so I've been driving around without a clutch for the most part. If you're a mechanic, you know how fun this is.
I started porting BlueList to PHP. I feel this is an acceptable project for me. I got a 90gal aquarium for xmas - thank you ben! Over the next couple months I'll be installing the lighting and plumbing necessary to make it a professional job. It's going to become a marine coral reef tank.
Ok, enough for now. I've gotten home early and I intend to goto sleep. Maybe I will get to hang out with some of my buddies while they are awake today *laugh*
Merry Christmas everyone!
Today I'm asking someone special for a little miracle, a chance to repair our damaged friendship. A single word travels the hundreds of miles, please. Whether you read my journal or not, please hear me from far away.
We have differences, but we had more. I have doubts, but they can be changed. You have worries, you shouldn't. I will keep every promise I ever made to you - I would betray my self to save your self.
It’s snowing here :)
Ahh, it's supposed to snow today !! :) Ben and I have some different ideas on how things are. Communicating sometimes helps. I'm getting hungry but I need to get some stuff done at the station before it starts snowing, and yes, it's looking a lot like snow right now.
Hmm, ya know what it's like when you get home and conversation stops and people just kinda float around waiting for you to disappear?
I thought it was really neat that my roommate had scheduled today off, today was X-mas in the village. But then I spent the day by myself. I'm too much of an optimist.
I am utterly disgusted by the masses of “christians” in this country. I just read an article &about the goings on in a city in Kentucky. Apparently, the &“christians” there feel that it is unchristian for &everyone to be treated equally and fairly.
Let me remind people about a few things. It’s unchristian to be bigoted, prejudiced, discriminatory, hateful, and to be a liar (to give false witness) etc.
This country is going to hell in a hand basket, and these so called “christians” are the ones at the forefront of the movement - espousing hatred and anything else associated with bigotry, prejudice, and discrimination. And here’s the big kicker. Much of their loud blather are lies.
The other day I had to run several blocks from work to my truck because the clutch got broken. Hoh-lee-shirt-hangars Batman - I got soaked to the bone. That took almost four hours to fix, and on top of it, I got several fire calls so I got about a grand total of 3 hours of interrupted sleep. Needless to say I was quite done in. I haven’t gotten much sleep this week period, roughly 3-4 hours a day, usually interrupted. Thus my nearly complete absence and lack of response on aim/yahoo/msn etc, as well as no journal entries and my pretty much ignoring the phone.
(I spelled out phone because my roomie asked why I used fone all the time). Well, it’s just a bad habit of using slang.
My truck needs some love .. sigh. I will get to fixing it soon I hope. I’m paying off my debts before I let myself incur any more credit related debt. I’m sick and tired of the money and greed system in the USA. Commercialism is just another name for greed. I have no problems AT ALL with someone making a lot of money by hard work and dedication, i.e. a respectible job. But this business of charging fees left and right for everything is pure silliness.
I had a great day yesterday. Met a new friend that I hope has more of a friendly interest in me than a sexual interest. It's always so disappointing when it turns out that they just want to get laid. That said, we went to lunch and went hiking up to Castle Craig. Had a pretty good time, the company was quite enjoyable and I look forward to more such outings.
Today I need to go deal with the bank. Their webserver is
still spitting out junk when I try to complete my online account
enrollment. I have been getting the usual naive and lame "please
check your username and password for correctness", "try
rebooting", etc, etc. I really don't like dealing with tech
support that is so clueless they couldn't find their way out of a
paper bag. If these people are "technical support" for lesser
people, then I'm in a world of dummies.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of Jeremy and I, and I'm not sure how things could be any worse. Ugh.
Today a good friend of mine, Carl, took me down memory lane for a bit. Several months ago I was in love with the best man on this planet of ours. I still think a lot of him and to be honest, that walk down memory lane is refreshing as well as sorrowful. It's amazing what friends will remember from what heartfelt words you penned many months ago.
Tonight Carl asked me if I remembered what I had written a while about about "what truly matters" and so I went looking for where I had written it down. So much of my thoughts and emotions are poured out into these simple paragraphs.
I wrote several paragraphs introduced by "What really matters .. is love." It was one of my last writings to Jeremy.
Did you think you weren't worth anything to me? Every important story of my life starts with, "You and I .."
All my life I've dreamt of someone special, something special. All my life I wanted someone to make me feel whole, someone to hold me, not just when the chips were down, but to share in my happiness and even share in the idle moments. All my life I've wanted somebody that would tell me they loved me every day and every time something happened. Whether it was accidental or intentional and hurt them or it hurt me.
I will give you my whole heart. I will give you my whole soul. I will climb every mountain for you and stand between you and certain death. I will shoulder every burden with you, and share every pain.
But the phrase that stuck in Carl's memory, was a sentence buried in one of the paragraphs following this beginning. “If someone stole my life from you now, are you content with the last words and feelings you left me with?” I sat here and thought about it for some time.
If you love somebody, go tell them. Stop reading my journal, right now, go tell them. Call them, email them, send them an instant message. There are three small words worth more than anything else in this whole world. There's a huge return on investment for this. Just go tell him; I love you. Quietly. Gently. Without fanfare.
Because if this is your last moment, those three little words will last forever. Those three little words will carry him through every bit of pain he could ever endure.
I love you.
Ugg, connections timed out again when I got home. I need to setup some rate limiting to thwart bandwidth piggies.
Happy birthday to my brother Matthew
There are a few things I want to say about taking on a 2nd job working backroom/overnight for Target. Wow. For one, it's 8 hours of decently hard work. Carrying heavy boxes up and down ladders, carrying lots of market items back and forth. 8 full hours of this can easily be construed as a good muscular workout as well as a fair cardio workout. I probably stop by the water fountain a good 8-10 times a night to refill my fluids. It's easy to get dehydrated like that.
Unfortunately my most breakneck speed is from 5.30am to 6.30am, my last hour of work. That puts my body in high gear and it's pretty hard to get to sleep when I get home. I usually am not sleepy for a few hours.
Wow. I slept 8 hours today. I didn't wake up for anything :-/
Dell called me back a few minuts ago (at this time of the night?!) to say my previous dispatch for fixing my laptop had been cancelled. @!#$%@#$ Well I got that straightened out and they are sending me hardware again. Sigh.
WHY DO SOME PEOPLE WRITE EVERYTHING IN CAPITAL LETTERS? DON'T THEY REALIZE HOW HARD IT IS FOR PEOPLE TO READ ALL CAPS? DON'T THEY KNOW THAT ALL LOWERCASE IS THE EASIEST TEXT TO READ?
Happy birthday to BJ!
Ok, I need to vent. Yesterday I NEEDED to sleep. Everyone and their brother called me yesterday coincidentally. One person called repeatedly about 8 or 9 times on both fones. I don't know, maybe it's just me. But if I chose not to answer the first 39 times, perhaps I'll answer on the 40th? *growl*.
I hate Webster Bank. Their customer service leaves much to be desired in many ways. I'm closing my accounts there and going elsewhere. Everyone has a different story and says they can't help you but someone else can. Well guess what. "someone else" has the same story. In the end nobody only two people out of seven were helpful yesterday. One had no power to do anything and neither did the other but she went out of her way to figure out everything that was going on and apologize for the misinformation spread by her peers.
I also hate Kazaa Lite for winblows. It's a huge bandwidth pig that doesn't respect bandwidth settings. Therefore I am forcibly learning to shut down Kazaa on my roommate's computer everytime I come home in the morning because most of my persistent network connection have died, I have been signed off AIM and ICQ, and my mail cient has been unable to fetch IMAP emails repeatedly and shut down.
What else. My laptop harddrive fried again; It's an IBM Travelstar. This is the third Travelstar that has died on me, always the same. It just up and dies one day. Don't ever buy these rebranded pieces of turd craps.
Today was the first real snow day for us. It was reaaally beautiful this morning on my way home from work. I don't have time to write everything I wanted to tonight, so I'll do it tomorrow. I got lots of rest today and I feel really good. Unfortunately I have to go to work soon *bleh*
I cam across two interesting websites today, sorryeverybody.com and fuckthesouth.com. More thought provoking reading.
As to the whole of the elections, and what bush actually stands for .. I feel like I have been locked in a room of slow learners. Wake up people. Look at what bush has done in the last four years, look at his current policies, look at how he evades or blatantly ignores processes which would better our environment and lives. What matters to the bush cadre? Money and power.
Here is something to think about; The top 16 states in the nation with the highest average IQs all voted blue, based on measurements in the book “IQ and the Wealth of Nations” by Richard Lynn and Tatu Vanhanen. All 19 Blue States are in the Top 25 and, of course, the bottom 25 IQ states are all red. This is not meant to be smug, but just to point out that, the lower the IQ, the more appealing bush is and vice versa.
This last week I've seen the two halves of America.
- The g*ddamn faggots are ruining our marriage half
- And the we just want equality not discrimination, hate, prejudice and bigotry half
It's sad really. This isn't America land of the free, it's America land of the “bush christians” with their “moral values” that aren’t moral and values that are highly questionable, and the other half that respects everyone’s fundamental right to their own religious beliefs and the belief that everyone is equal.
I look around at all the marriages I know of today and I just shake my head slowly. For all the ballyhoo about straight marriage value, it sure isn't apparent in day to day life. People don't get married for procreation. People don't respect “until death do us part.” People don't respect the &sanctity, the bounds, nor fidelity.
Infidelity and divorce is all to common even for the most ardent supporters of straight only marriage.
The gay people that I know that want to get married are by far and large couples that have lived together for years, raising children, being responsible, being faithful.
So let me ask you, what is gay marriage destroying when the gay couples trying to get married are setting a much better example of family values?
Read this article to see that when people have the chance to live by married gay couples, they favor marriage equality, not discrimination.
welcome to America. this isn’t the land of the free, it’s the land of the prejudiced bigots. i say that with full conviction and i am a God fearing man. life in america has gone to the dung pile. there will be more and more anti-gay laws passed. discrimination to the utmost. what disturbs me most are the “christians” that voted for bush.
bush is a murderer, he is a law breaker, he is a ruthless killer and exceedingly underhanded. read just a bit of a small collection of facts regarding bush and his reign of terror. yes, i said it, reign of terror. the rest of the world abhors bush. how many billions of dollars and hundreds of thousands of lives has America spent just to capture and control one man?
the shame i feel being part of a country like this is awful. the disgust that i have for the “christians” that voted for bush is immense. God teaches love and tolerance but what we have here is a bigoted prejudiced discriminating group of people afraid of homosexual people. they completely ignore the horrible economy and all the things that bush took AWAY from the people, and GAVE to the corporate. our country slid the fastest it has ever into the largest gross national debt it has ever been in.
if you voted for bush, you should be mortified and ashamed. you really need to have some personal time with God.
-- so much for trying to avoid getting my roommate’s flu bug. he shared it anyways.
ugg. some days i just really didn't want to wake up - today, is one of them.
today is a LONG day - it’s our station’s annual live burn training day. i’ll get back to you after my arms and legs have turned to rubber and i have lost 95% of my body weight in sweat.
i'm banned forever from someone’s life now. shrug. i'm sorry.
i think people are on crack. i currently have a 9.3 rating on Hot or Not. and ya know what - i'm not all that sexy.
another screwy day. i hate being upset. i hate that nagging knowledge that someone else has a certain idea about me that is all wrong. i hate knowing that i'm a threat to somebodies comfort.
holy friggen mackerels. last night was one of the worst. i don't know what the heck was said to start this mess, but (a), it wasn't your place to say it, it was mine. you know who you are. (b), stop with the misinterpreting things. my moral and ethical code is about as wavering and changing as a stone statue.
i feel like i'm stuck in a broken record loop. the relationship is OVER with. you promised me best friends, but you can't be my best friend if you can't get past these issues.
my honesty, trustworthiness, loyalty, etc, is as solid as a rock, it's just not going to change, and your fears or whatever the fsck doubts you have that keep coming up are driving me insane.
unless you're going to be friendly with me, leave me alone. quit digging up the past. there's nothing new here.
It's very cold today. My nipples are hard and my *ahem* has shrank so much it’s gone spelunking.
Well, I've taken on another job so I can make ends meet. *laugh* It's really just to save up money so I can take over the world and install a kitty dictatorship. I'll be working in warehousing with Target. Not particularly fantastic, but hey, it is what it is.
A long day ahead. Gotta hop in the shower and head over to the Connecticut State Awards function. I think it’s really neat that this state recognizes the hard work that volunteer firefighters put into their communities. South Meriden VFD is by far the best FD that I have ever worked for, the people, the training, the spirit, the whole of it.
The guys that I work with are really great. I appreciate the hard work that they give.
I screwed up and misunderstood when Ben needed a ride home, so he’s pissed at me. I’m sorry.
Today is the day after my birthday. Isn't it strange how people from your past can still affect you so much. A loss from half a year ago still brings tears to your eyes.
I guess I wanted too much. I still love Jeremy, I think I always will. He's the kind of guy that really is everything to you. People talk about meeting their perfect partner, the person that really makes them whole.
No phone calls, but several people emailed or messaged me to
wish me happy birthday THANKS! you're the best!
Today is that magic day again. Of all my wishes and dreams, one of the most favored is to hear from Jeremy.
I've decided that I'm going to TRY and keep a journal entry posted at least once per day now.
Today is special in another way. One of my better friends is
mending his relationship with his boyfriend - they have gotten
back together again after a lot of heartache and pain. I love
’em both, they are great guys. I am REALLY very happy for
them.